Words and stuffs, or something relevant

My tumblr is a place for me to get thoughts out of my head in a form where people can read. Not as many people come here as they do other places I can write a blog and I like that. Why not make it private? Well I don’t want to because maybe something I write could be helpful to someone else.

What to write today, well today was a busy day. I’m really exhausted from tour (with a cold) and the other health issues I am having.

But my real reason to come here and write is because my Great Uncle Don (my Grandmas, sisters husband) passed away late this afternoon after a long decline in health after a bad stroke a little under a year ago.

It was something that was coming and I knew that and its upsetting but the part that upsets me more is what I think about when it comes to my Great Aunt Linda and My Grandmother.  They are sisters that grew up together in Germany with 7 other brothers and sisters. They lived through world wars and the Holocaust. Grandma met my Grandpa while he was stationed in Germany during his service in the United States Army. If you’ve been here before you know how they met and married and how my Grandma came to America on a boat into New York Harbor.  Once my Grandma and Grandpa saved up enough money, they sent it to Germany so Grandma’s sister Linda could come to America (a land of hope, opportunity and freedom) Linda came here and met another gentleman in the Armed Forces a man by the name of Donald Manus. They fell in love and married. My Grandma & Grandpa, and my Great Aunt Linda & Uncle Don started their new families here in America.  There are brothers, sisters, uncles, aunts, moms, dads, cousins and all kinds of family on both sides. So many of us in fact that in 1994 all 52 of us (in America) flew to Germany for my Great Grandmother and Great Grandfathers 60th wedding anniversary. Our 52 + their 56 made for one memorable family gathering. Needless to say our Families were at one point huge, but as time goes on our families become smaller. A few days after that trip to Germany when my Mom, Uncle Mike, Sister and I got back from Germany (we came back a week earlier than the rest) and after my Great Grandfather got to see all the kids, and grandkids and great grandkids at his bedside (he was battling cancer) he passed on, he held on to see all the family that he created and long enough to have 60 amazing years with my Great Grandmother. Since then illness, and father time himself have slowly made our family smaller. Almost two years ago it finally came close to home when my Grandpa lost his battle with cancer way too early. Grandmas best friend and soul mate was gone, my dad was gone. Now my Great Uncle has passed, and the two sisters that came to America for Love, and a chance at a great life have both lost their greatest reasons of all.

The reason I write this is because I can’t imagine what that feels like. I just talked to my Grandma and Aunt Linda and both sounded equally upset. Aunt Linda because of what she knew that was coming has arrived and my Grandma because this tragic event has without a doubt brought back all those memories of losing her Love so quickly and unfairly.

Now these two sisters who were foreigners to this land probably both feel foreign and lost. Yes they have kids and grandkids but even with all those people and all that love nothing can replace what they have lost, and there is no way to measure the greatness of that loss. I for one cant imagine, and once again I’m wishing that I knew of a way to make them both feel okay. No I’m not as close with my Great Aunt as my Grandma but I can definitely feel the pain and with how my Grandma sounded on the phone, that pain and loss is immense.

The last few months of my life have been a whirlwind, My lady and I lost our jobs, someone ripped me off of a bunch of gear, Our purpose and son Bogart died very suddenly and well, everyday has been a struggle making ends meet. I think I have ebayed more stuff in the past three months than I have in my entire 28 years on this earth.

I’m glad that I kept all those Disney Pins and weird guitar pedals and such. There are some things I cant part with, that I remember my Grandpa buying me, and there are some collectable items that I cant let go because they are so old and so so important. But sentimental stops somewhere; my second guitar I ever owned is up for auction as we speak.

The thing that is keeping me going is that in 9 days Amber and I are getting married. Most guys are terrified of marriage as for them it’s something that “traps” them for the rest of their lives. For me it is something that, I want. I actually was engaged at a very young stupid age of 21 at a time where I didn’t even know what I wanted out of life, but I assumed that was the natural progression of the relationship. Evidently that went south and ever since that day I swore of the institution of marriage. I had some pretty serious relationships since that one at 21, but never did I ever think about getting married to those people, that’s probably why I never stayed. To their defense some of them were great people just not great for me.

About three years ago Ian and I were out and about downtown, and we stopped into Backbooth for a dance night, I think it was Crush.  We went to the bar; there was this blonde loud bartender there. We ordered our drinks and I said nothing to her, nothing at all. I bet she couldn’t probably even hear me order my drink. I’m normally quiet and timid, I didn’t flirt with her, and I didn’t hit on her. We hung near the bar and every once and a while I would go order another drink. She would have my drink ready by the time I got to the bar; I would say thanks (which I’m sure just looked like me moving my lips) and wander away.  Drinks were consumed and we departed for the evening heading back to the apartment I was sleeping on the couch at the time.

The next day I woke up and had a friend request on Myspace, that request was from Amber. I yelled out the hall to Ian saying, “hey that bartenders name from BB is Amber right” I got a yes, so I figured she was “safe” to add as a friend. Immediately after adding her I had a comment, I’m not too sure what it said at this point but it required a reply. Then from there another comment, after a small exchange she made the comment “maybe we can hang out one day outside of the bar” I thought to myself wow a girls hitting on me… I think (I had always been oblivious to the opposite sex’s advances, I just never noticed) So I replied ” that would be cool” Then those comments turned into messages, I gave her my number and at the time we were having some form of message battle of sorts. That battle spilled into my phone after my number was received.

I think it was that evening that I went with some of the band to a really terrible little bar in metrowest (not tap room) for karaoke. I was a mess, not shaven, a hoody and old shirt. I got a text from Amber asking what I was doing I told her I was out and where I was. She said she was at some business function for work but when she was done that she wanted to come hangout (She was actually downtown trying to drink up some liquid courage cause for some reason I made her nervous) I said sure, even though I was a big ol’ mess. About a half pitcher of beer and 20 minutes later Amber showed up I was nervous said hello, She saw that I was having a pitcher of beer on my own with a straw and ordered one for herself. We hung out that night both getting incredibly sloshed.

We went back to the apartment and hung out and drank some more, around 3 or so she said she needed to go home cause her pup was there. She asked if I could follow her home, I being me said sure Ill make sure you get home (I think I pissed some people off for leaving the party early but ohh well) so we left and I followed her home, Little did I know home was in Casselberry. By the time we got there I was out of it, she offered for me to stay, she said “you can sleep in my bed, I promise I wont touch you” so I said sure, I was so nervous I didn’t want to snore or sleepwalk or something silly but I stayed. Amber later confessed to me many years later that she was awake all night laying there going “is he trying to lay closer to me on purpose or is he asleep” The next morning I left her place and went about my day.

The next night I went to the Bar to visit her and have a few free drinks we talked out front for a bit cause it was a slow night. I said thanks and went on my evening.

It was about a day or so later and we crossed paths again and she came down to a house party at the Apartment. That night we drank and drank and she decided that she would stay there and just wake up early to get home (She had her roommate take out Bo) we laid on what I called a bed which was a mattress on the floor in Jesses room. That night she scooted close to me, so I put an arm around her and kissed her on the head. It felt right, there wasn’t any making out, no kissing, and just the two of us sleeping close together.  The next day Amber got up early, I walked her downstairs and over to her car, we hugged that was it.

Another few days later, I came back down to the bar and had another one of her cool lemon drink things. She made fun of me saying to someone maybe one day he will kiss me. I laughed and thought to myself, I really want to kiss her but I’m too scared to mess this up cause something seems so different.  As I left she walked me out and I kissed her on the forehead, she made fun of me. I smiled and left.

Then one night I was hanging out at central with the Band, Amber was out of work and came over. We had drinks and all hung out, It was a fun night. Amber said she needed to get home and check on her puppy, and that he had been home alone to long. She asked if I wanted to come over and watch a movie and I said okay. That night at her house I got up the nerve, the butterflies were flapping and my stomach was spinning but I kissed her. I felt like a little kid with his first girlfriend. That night she asked me to stay, and I did, and I haven’t left since that night. Every night since then I stayed with her. I think we’ve only had two nights away from each other in all this time.

Amber definitely was a commitmentphobe, she said all the time, just wait in six months you will not like me or ill freak out and just disappear. After three months she asked if would just like to live with her in her place in winter park, at 5 months we decided we both wanted a home to ourselves, so we moved downtown.

We had so much trouble finding a home that would be in our price range and what we would like, we both had such a strong concept of what we wanted it to look like. One rough night after work she was driving around to clear her head. She pulled over cause she was upset, and when she pulled herself back together she looked over and saw our home. A little yellow cottage house, she called me immediately and well the rest is history.

Amber has become my best friend, not because she’s going to be my wife but because she is my best friend. We believe in a lot of the same things, laugh at the same gross things, enjoy the simple things, and love unconditionally. She’s loud and crass, and I’m Quiet and shy. We balance each other out, whatever I’m lacking she has and vice versa. Our relationship isn’t something we fret over everyday; it just exists quietly in the background trucking along. We’ve had maybe 2 real fights and after those we figured out we can just talk about our issues and solve them, yeah it seems unbelievable but really we just talk it out. We’ve been through all those life events that would tear a couple apart.

So here we are, 9 days before the Wedding. I’m not nervous, I’m excited. I get to marry my best friend and soul mate. How do I know it will work out and be okay? Well the one thing that lets me know it will be is this.  I think about the day, when we are old and my Grandma is no longer here, my mom, dad, step mom, step dad, all those people are no longer with us and Its just me and Amber. As scary and upsetting as that sounds I know that time will come and honestly I’m okay with that. I’m okay with that cause I will have Amber there and it will be okay, because I will still have that one part of my Family with me, she is my family.

Thats how long ago my Grandpa passed away. I still cant shake that call from my mom that Afternoon, It started off normal and then she started crying, she never cries. I couldnt catch my breathe, I felt panicked.

It had only been 3 months since he was Diagnosed with cancer, they said it was untreatable but he would be okay for at least 6 months. 3 months… The first month nothing changed, the second He got worse and the 3rd he rarely ate, he was rarely awake. He had home hospice care, he Had my Grandmas care which was without a doubt better than any care he could have had.

That afternoon my life changed, Im still lost, parts of my mind are still stuck on that phone call. I cant count how long it has been since he passed in days because it drags by so slowly, I feel every second that he is gone and its terrible, If I could only go back and change it all.

**Disclaimer** This is a sad post, I need to get thoughts out, and I didnt got back and read it to check if it all makes sense. Im at a loss now and Amber is so much more**

The past two days of my life have been very trying and very hard. With that being said they have been even more trying and devastating for my Love Amber.

Early This Morning at 1:15am we lost our son, the light in our life together , Bogart.

Bogart was our son by all terms and definition, Before I came along he had just a mom a mom that found him hiding under a truck all alone while it rained and thundered. He was scared, malnourished and for him Amber was his savior and from there forward his Mom.

From that day Amber spent the next month nourishing him back to health, Thousands of Dollars at the Vet and all of her time making sure that he would live and he did. He lived everyday like a small child would. He went for car rides, he went on road trips to Tennessee, He would go swimming in lakes, chase geese, chase frogs and squirrels, he lived. In his short 9 years he lived more than most of us live in our entire lives. He saw the world from the passenger seat of my car on a daily basis.

Last night, we lost Bogart. There was no rhyme or reason to it, he was by all means visibly healthy the evening before, running jumping playing. The next morning he wasn’t really moving about. He was lethargic and panting, we rushed him to the emergency vet they started him on IV fluids, ran a bunch of tests, took tons of xrays and found that he had some air in his stomach, a slightly enlarged heart, and a little fluid in his lungs. They wanted to keep him overnight for observation and them transfer him to our regular vet in the early morning.

Amber called at 8 to check on him, he was stable and sleeping..

Amber called at 10:30pm his heart rate was elevated, he was in pain, his condition had worsened, they said call back at 11. We didn’t, we left our home and rushed to the Vet ER.

We laid and sat on the floor with Bo, for a hour, near the end of that hour he started whimpering and was in pain, he started to become unresponsive.

They rushed Bogart in the back and began CPR, they were able to get his heart to start back up and he began to breathe again.

He stabilized, and then his big Loving heart gave up.

We lost him, It still doesn’t seem real Im waiting for him to run around the corner but he wont.

We spent a hour with him after that, letting him know how much we cared and how much we loved him. I loved him, more than I have loved some people.

To me Bogart wasn’t a dog he was a son, a companion, a sounding board when I needed to talk a friend and someone that became family.

I cant imagine what Amber feels, I can only guess its the worse feeling of loss ever.

I cherish every moment spent with Bo, every second every waking minute. I learned from him, I became better because of him. I hope that there is something after death, because thats the only way that I am going to be okay about him is knowing that when im gone, Ill see him again and we can take a car ride again.

There are some days that I miss him more.

There are some days that the extra, its going to be okay would make it “okay”

There are some days that I want to turn back time to maybe change the outcome

There are some days that I think, doing so maybe wouldn’t help

There are some days I want to hear him say, well ask your Grandma first

There are some days I want him to trip me up with his cane, just to see him laugh

There are some days I want to see who can steal the dinner check from him

There are some days that I wish I could go back and put life on hold

There are some days I want to go back and erase

There are some days I want to push him around the Magic Kingom in a wheel chair

There are some days I want to watch the fireworks with him, like we never have before

There are some days I want to know that he is somewhere and okay

There are some days I need him here

Everyday I love him still

and

Everyday I miss him

Yes, I used a Fall out Boy quote. In recent weeks in my life alot of people have turned their backs on me. People that I worked incredibly hard for, directly and indirectly.

These people I actually considered friends, even had a few in my wedding. Mention, had because they are no longer  invited nor a part of it.

Being accused of something that is completely untrue and unjust and having a bunch of people believe it, is quite possibly the most painful thing to endure, especially when it was somewhere that you put all your time, heart and soul into.

I know who my real friends are, they are My beautiful Fiance, My best friends in my band, and a select few others. Other than that, I don’t need anymore than that. My life was a room crowded full of liars and cheats. I think that Dealey Plaza on the day of November 22nd 1963 had less creeps and weirdos in it than my life did, and you know there were some shady characters there.

It is all for the better, I’ve got big plans and all that kept me from getting to them so now I can.

But for now I leave with another song title quote from anberlin. “Never Take Friendship Personal”

RIP The king of pop and the lovely Farrah fawcett, thank you for the music and beauty you bestowed upon the world.